Sometimes I just want you to prove me wrong. Prove me that those months that you disappeared, you did still think about me. You did still want me. You actually missed me. Why does something so right to me, make you so scared? I just want to be able to run to you and not think that you're not going to just let it slip through your fingers. I dropped my guard, and fell so hard. For some reason yours is still up, guarding everything. It's as if you're okay with this arrangement, that in reality you don't totally have me. How can you not feel some sense of fear, that everything we ever had might just disparate? No one has what we have, something so fragile looking to us, yet so strong and heroic. We had everything.

Is There a Reason Why Rain Just Falls on Your Head?

I feel burden on my heart, burden that I undoubtedly and irrevocably cannot let you back in. We were happy, unwavering.... What happened? Then, suddenly, you want back in? I just don't know how to do that. I sit here thinking, looking at your number on my phone. Wanting to give in and just call, call and let you hear everything going on in my mind. You weren't just a lover, you were my everything. We were always there for each other. Why did you decide to leave? Leave for that long. Did you not think about me? Did you not wonder where I was at? I just want to unlove you, and you to un-love me. You say this for the best? Best for you not to get hurt? Take down your guard, be the man you use to tell me about, and the man I believed you to be. Don't blame your insecurities on some harlot who never cared. It should just have made you stronger person, not a wall built around your heart to never love again. 

& on another note. To the person that has always read, always found my blog eye-catching. I'm here for you.... & I still believe in you getting your cow and the wrapped around porch. I'll just be your neighbor. I know you've been through a lot these past couple of weeks, but I know, deep down you're still in there somewhere. & I'm still will be your best friend. Its been a while. :) 

Things I Want to do Before I die.

I've never truly thought about my considered.... "bucket list". Lately I have heard that coined expression a considerable amount on the radio and around. What happens if I die, and I never really know what I truly want out of life. Hopefully one of my best friends, who are ALL the handful of people that do know about this blog will be able to do a few of them for me. Why? Because they love me a lot. So here it goesssss:

-Move to Colorado and live there for at least a year.

- Experience childbirth.

- Visit the 7 wonders of the world.

- Go to Bora Bora.

-Befriend someone who is Amish.

-Backpack across Europe, because I want to experience the filth of what I hear it really is.

-Lay on a nude beach. 

- Try escargo.

- Own a home, by myself.

- Cut all my hair off, really short.

- Eat dinner at the Eiffel Tower.

- Argue with a politician of my opposite ideology view, and win.

- Color my hair completely blonde. 

- Go to the Olympics, not in the U.S. but somewhere crazy.

- Ski in Lake Tahoe. 

- Sneak across the Canadian border, because Mexico is just "too" dangerous these days.

- Sail around the Caribbean for a couple of weeks. 

-Graduate college..... hopefully, eventually that will happen. 

- Go on a mission trip.

- Go to Russia and visit the Saint Petersburg Square.

- Birth a horse.

-I want to learn to knit and to sew. 

The list could go on but I will stop here. 

Sometimes I pretend that I am really Carrie Bradshaw sitting in my NYC loft contemplating life, through everyone else's life. Reality surely arrives back and pops me back in Atlanta. Atlanta..... is there really anything here? I want to explore EVERYTHING, and not just settle for ...... Atlanta. There are 6.7 billion people in the world, and all you have to do is find one. So that means I have to explore, EVERYTHING. And find that one that makes my world stop spinning and everything is, well its just right. How can you think that you have the world, and then suddenly everything starts spinning again. I just want to be over it, over everything and pretend I'm living in my little NYC loft helping other people work through their struggles instead of having a bottomless pit feeling in my stomach over mine. I can make anyones relationship work out perfectly, every pointer, every premonition of what I think the other is thinking I'm always right. Yet I sit here doing everything right in mine, gave space, nurtured, cooked, cleaned, held, and even loved when there wasn't any in his life. But I sit here in my faux NYC loft, rather the bonus room of my parent establishment sulking. Sulking over what I wanted and what I thought we had. Here is where I'm breaking the rules. I should be over it. Right? Trying is the best answer I can give someone. Then I switch to thinking, distance is a horrible answer. Pull myself together and say to myself, I'm done. Then, that is when I feel completely better. 

Where do we go from the broken, the open ended of something that was once great? Something that made us happy.... The end? I don't like starting over. I like knowing, knowing that no matter how far down into an oblivion we feel we are, that together we can make it. No matter how far the distance you feel that will hinder us, we will make it through because our love that we share is that amazing. You make things worth living, every possible ounce of happiness that is created when I'm with you is worth the distance. I would run to you if I couldn't drive, over the mountains and swim through the rivers, because that is how great I feel this is. This, being the ease of being with you, ease of knowing that in our considered end years and decades from now, we will end in greatness together. Uncage your fears, because I will embrace them, and enable me to hold your hand and walk through any apprehension that may arise. I want to own your secrets and you own mine, but you have to authorize that sentiment, and it must occur. ALLOW IT because once it happens you will feel peace it will be seen through, and secure with your heart. Your my best friend, my everything and I couldn't imagine my future without you in it.